Setting Firm Boundaries

The word ‘NO’ is difficult for most people to say – especially at times for parents. Some parents never feel comfortable using it and others may overuse it, both can have troublesome results.

It is for the most part hard for parents to feel responsible for their child’s unhappiness.

Even though as a parent, you feel justified to say no, it does make you think whether you have taken the right approach or not, especially when you see your children’s reactions. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed when you see your child throwing a tantrum.

Part of a parent’s role is to provide a framework within which children can grow up safely.  To do this effectively children need set limits that are reasonable.  Sometimes it is very difficult to do this, and some situations can be confusing for everyone.

It may be relatively easy to make rules it is often much harder to apply consequences after they may have been broken.  If there are no consequences or ones that are applied inconsistently this can also lead to problems for your child.  Some may even learn it doesn’t matter if you break the rules.  As children are still growing up, their self-control mechanisms and sense of responsibility are not yet fully developed.  They need limits and a framework in which they can grow up safety as children simply lack the maturity to independently make all the decisions regarding their lives.

In the best of circumstances, it is good to aim for this formula.

• Establish the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules.
• Explain why you have established the rules and the consequences (this might need to be repeated multiple time as children might forget)
• Enforce the rules.

Rules can be difficult to enforce as we may not like to deal with confrontation, but they are necessary for children to grow healthily.

Sometimes it helps to talk to other parents or talk to the school if you are in doubt whether your rules are reasonable.

We’re all human.  Sometimes you may lose it, that is normal, but it can become destructive if it is happening all the time. 

Please be kind to yourselves as you figure out the right rules and consequences that work for your children.

Services that you can potentially seek for professional advice and support:

• Parentline for free telephone and face-to-face counselling, https://www.mindmap.act.gov.au/s/article/ParentLine-Telephone-Service-ParentLine-ACT
• Tuning Into Kids – parenting program to learn about emotional coaching, https://crcs.com.au/programs-and-services/families/tuning-in-to-kids/

With thanks to MCCG School Counselling resources.